Repeat.ġ:04: Rihanna has stopped sexy-leaning on her wall and started sexy walking down a hallway. Now she’s topless in a pool.Ġ0:44: Fun splashing in the topless pool.Ġ:48 – 1:03: Topless pool, sexy wall, Bed Number 1, Bed Number 2. Except this time Shakira is wearing… Swimmers? Not sure – but still no pants.Ġ0:37: Now she’s just doing some more rolling around on this new bed.Ġ0:42: Woah ok.
Maybe she forgot to wear undies?Ġ0:34: And we’ve cut to a different bed. She keeps using her hands to pull her mesh top in towards her vagina for some reason. The bed is in between two staircases just because. Lots of sexy crawling/rolling around, because that’s what all ladies do when in bed alone. All of this madness concludes with Shakira submerging herself into the ocean in a manner much akin to Virginia Woolf’s final-act-wading-out-to-sea.Hovering your hands over your vagina is sexy.Ġ0:10: Shakira is minus pants, singing on a bed. Though her vertical jump probably is very high, my money is on a hidden trampoline in the sand. She’s flying into the splits and doing things with her legs that only Gumby dolls ought to do.
They ride away into an ambiguous sunset: the time changes so frequently throughout the video that you can’t tell-is it morning? Is a storm brewing? Is it time for Africa yet?
When Dizzee Rascal hits the mic, Shakira is off in her own version of “The Motorcycle Diaries,” chauffeured by a tattooed man who would never be allowed to pick up children from day care. All of this is deftly mixed in with footage of Shakira dancing in the streets to the delight of onlookers armed with camera phones and stalkers wielding duct tape. Of course, the next directorial decision is to have her writhing all over the beach with front row tickets to ab city. She waves, laughing, probably thinking that they should be charged money to look at her. Things begin cheerily enough, with Shakira on colorful roller skates in the midst of a complete fan-frenzy. Shakira’s newest music video, the English version of “Loca” featuring Dizzee Rascal, is the type that, if played at a gym, would make everyone doing sit-ups capitulate, go to Chipotle, order everything on the menu (to go) and then watch “True Life: I’m Obese” alone on a dirty futon.
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